For all of you American Lit students out there, you may remember the fateful story of Hester Prynne – the fictional harlot in Nathanial Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter.” After committing an unforgivable sin of having an affair (and, not to mention, a child) out of wedlock, she is forced by the 17th century Puritanical townsfolk of Boston, Massachusetts to wear the eponymous red “A” on her chest for the rest of her life, branding her a Jezebel for the entire world to see.
It is my humble opinion that, just like poor Hester, your Doomed Groom should also be “marked” on the night of his bachelor party and forced to wear a blazing symbol of his own infinite stupidity. For his unforgivable sin of being a big dumb idiot moron and getting married, he should wear his own badge of shame and announce to the world what kind of a freakin’ idiot he really is.
After the jump, I’ve put together some funny bachelor party costume ideas – from the top of his empty head, to the bottom of his soon-to-be shackled feet – that you can ensure that your guest of honor will stand out like a sore thumb and receive the public humiliation he so richly deserves.
Let’s kick off the festivities right at the top and talk about the proper headgear for your groom. When it comes to bachelor parties, you want to make sure that anything you use to mark your Doomed Groom is large and colorful and – if at all possible – excruciatingly embarrassing for him to wear.
Here are some suggestions for how you can crown your bachelor the king of all doofus-land:
• Wigs – I’m a big fan of the huge super rainbow-colored afro kind. It also makes him easy to find inside of a crowded club.
• Dunce cap – This is one you should be able to make yourself – and it pretty much says it all. You can also have all the guys sign it after the night is over and give it to your guest of honor as a gift on his wedding day.
• Beer Hat – You know the kind of beer hats I’m talking about – the kind with a can on each side and a tube that goes down to his mouth? Not only will he look imbecilic, but it will also keep him supplied with his favorite canned malt beverage throughout the entire evening.
• Slogan Hats – Company’s like Cafepress.com and Zazzle.com sell all sorts of bachelor themed hats that have funny sayings like: “Last Fling Before The Ring” and “Buy me a beer…the end is near!”. I will be following up later with an article about these hats that will go into more into depth about them.
• The Groom To Be Top Hat does a really good job of bringing attention to your Doomed Groom and won’t be a nuisance to wear all night.
Velour Groom Top Hat
Playing Dress Up
Look, let’s be real. When your Doomed Groom gets married, he’ll probably lose all ability to dress himself, anyway – so why not start with his bachelor party?
• Toga! Toga! Toga! – Get your guys in touch with their inner Bluto and dress them in togas for an Animal House themed bachelor party. You can either make these with any spare bed sheets you have lying around, or you can go all out and buy them already made at sites like costumeman.com and buycostumes.com.
• Pimp Costumes – His balla days are over, so make sure he goes out lookin’ like the hustler he was by dressing him up in his very own pimp costume. (Special note: make sure that when you buy one of these costumes that the hat is included. It not, most times you will have to purchase it separately.) And don’t forget his grill and pimp cup, too!
Give Him His “Props”
There are a number of additional accoutrements that you may want to add to his ensemble, so that he can carry them around through the night.
• Blow-Up Dolls – These come in all sorts of great shapes and sizes. There are the normal looking girls like The Inflatable Judy Doll. And then… Well, there are those that are not, such as the Fatty Patty doll and any assortment of blow-up animals. I’ve actually heard of a fun drinking game for the night where every time that he’s caught taking his hand off of it, he has to do a shot. By the end of the night, that rear entry on Lenny the Love Lamb might just look pretty tempting to him.
• Ball and Chain – A good ol’ fashioned plastic ball and chain around his ankle is great old standby and will get him used to the weight of the anchor he’s going to be wearing around his neck after he says “I do.”
One Last Note
One last important thing I want to add to the topic of marking your bachelor is that – whatever you eventually do choose to do – make sure you don’t make it too hard for him to move around. If he’s constantly tripping over a dangling piece of a costume — or if it’s tight and constricting — it’s going to start to be a real drag for him.
Remember the motto – “The bachelor party is about him, not me.” If he’s not having the slightest bit of fun with it, make sure that he can either take it off or change into something else quickly.
For the most part though, as long as he’s able to get into the spirit of the fun, the above suggestions would be some great ways to draw lots of attention to him and really get the party rolling.
And to get you started, I’ve put together some examples of some really wacky and fun bachelor party costume ideas that you can buy. Just click the button below.