“In ancient rome there was a poem
About a dog who found two bones
He picked at one
He licked the other
He went in circles
He dropped dead”
“Freedom Of Choice”
When it comes to having a Las Vegas Bachelor Party, can it be possible to have too much of a good thing?
From its billion dollar monuments to gambling, all the way to the dimly lit warehouses of sin and debauchery found in its gentlemen’s clubs just off the strip – Vegas has found a way to distill every man’s basest want and desire into a torrential and morally unrepentant stream of revenue. So, what more could you ask for in a bachelor party, right?
Well, nothing…I guess. But, allow me to interject one, albeit slight, dissenting opinion: if you’re not careful, your bachelor party trip to Las Vegas could very well be overwhelmed by the ungodly amount of carnal options before you. You might just find your party drowning under a veritable tsunami of excess and chaos.
But, don’t stress. With a little bit of planning – along with the help of a few Doomed Groom experts – your crew should be able to wade through all of the prurient alternatives and end up having the times of their lives.
The Apology - I want to start off by admitting that I was very hesitant about starting this article. A trip to Las Vegas for a bachelor party almost feels like the textbook definition of a no-brainer. My concern – misplaced as it may have been at the time – presented itself as a nagging little voice in the back of my mind, “What could I possibly say that hadn’t been said a million times before about the upside of having a Las Vegas bachelor party?”
For decades, it has been a Mecca for countless bachelor and bachelorette parties…and for good reason. All one has to do is take a single step outside of their hotel room to find themselves greeted by a neon-lit menu of easily accessible pleasures of the flesh.
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Heck, the town itself has spent tons and tons of its own marketing dollars to make sure its very name is synonymous with the idea of folks having a good time. So, wouldn’t my voice just be a useless exercise in redundancy?
This idea nagged at me for a while… That was until I had a revelation during a recent bachelor party trip to the City of Sin.
A good friend of mine was celebrating his own passage into the dark and shadowy netherworld of marriage and I had joined along with the rest of his crew in order to play a couple hands of blackjack, see some strippers, and – oh, yeah — revel in his upcoming misery. Every so often, I would point knowingly at the poor schmuck and laugh, shaking my head in astonishment that some A-hole would be dumb enough to make such a horrible, horrible mistake.
As we went from club to club, restaurant to restaurant, casino to casino… I suddenly realized that the sheer volume of things to do on a Las Vegas Bachelor Party is – in a word — staggering. The chance of becoming over-saturated is a very real possibility.
What I mean to say is – a guy could very easily get lost here.
Over and over, as the weekend wore on, I would hear the guys in the group say, “Where do we want to go first?” “How many clubs can we cram in tonight?” “If we go to a couple of nightclubs, will there be enough time to spend at the strip joint?” All of these led to a snarl of confusion, which made we wonder if there couldn’t be a better way.
Well, turns out — there was.
The Answer - Well, as it turned out, I was right. There actually was a better way. After doing a bit of research, talking to people who have expertise in handling a lot of Las Vegas Bachelor parties, I think I may have found the solution to the problem. And the answer is – utilize the talents of a quality VIP host.
What’s a VIP host, you ask? Well, did you ever see Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory? Well, the VIP host is both the Golden Ticket and Willy Wonka all rolled up into one. Not only do they provide the key to the chocolate factory in the form of VIP passes to the hottest clubs, but they also guide you from place to place, making sure that your experience can only described as “privileged.” With their connections and expertise, you whisk right past the crowds of poor schlubs forced to stand in line for hours…and slip right inside.
To VIP, Or Not To VIP… – One of the things you will find when you arrive in Las Vegas is that the streets are literally – well – littered with “VIP passes” that supposedly give you exclusive access to all the best clubs around town. Every taxi driver and valet parking attendant will happily flip you a card that magically grants you the ability to waltz past the velvet rope like you’re a celebrity.
The problem is – they’re absolutely and totally B.S.
If you look closely, there’s usually a disclaimer on the back of the card that says something to the effect of “Management Reserves All Rights,” which means that when you want to use it – you’re shit out of luck. At the most, they’ll give you a slight discount on your entry. But that’s about it.
There are websites out there that do sell VIP tickets for specific times – but this is all just another scam by the clubs to generate as much of a crowd outside of the velvet rope as they possibly can. The real story is that these VIP tickets are all sold for the same time of night, which creates a traffic jam out in front of the club. That makes people who walk by say, “Holy crap! That must be some cool club! Look how many people want to get into it!”
Think about it — how VIP could a ticket really be if every guy with a laptop and a credit card can buy one?
Nope… There is only one way to guarantee that your bachelor and his crew get real and genuine VIP treatment – and that’s representation. You want to make sure that you settle for nothing less than a VIP hosting service and you pick one that has the kind of connections to walk up to the doorman, whisper the secret word in his ear, and have the velvet rope magically disappear.
It Pays For Itself – You’re probably asking yourself, “Sounds great! But, how the hell am I going to afford a VIP host?” But, obtaining the services of a VIP host more than makes up for its value by not only providing a level of unparalleled coordination and transportation (see below), but also the timesaving ability to get you inside the clubs faster.
Steve Mason, a VIP host with Club Viva Las Vegas, someone who has helped coordinate countless bachelor parties in Las Vegas, puts it this way – “The big advantage of course is one of convenience, guaranteed no-wait entry to the clubs and having access to local expertise in terms of the venues that will work best for the group profile.” That way, your crew will be able to experience more places in one night without stressing about how long you’re going to have to wait in line at each club.
Not only that, but the costs can be surprisingly affordable. Mason adds, “…on average our package prices are about the same as if an individual tried to book all the various components individually.”
So, why wouldn’t you utilize the talents of an insider who’s in the know?
Get A Ride - It may seem that all the casinos and clubs seem close together on the strip, and hence, a lock for adhering to our tenet of B.A.G. unity – but Las Vegas Boulevard is a deceptively long stretch of road.
From Mandalay Bay on the South end – all the way up to the Wynn at the North – the total walking mileage is almost three miles! Just try and do that slog after dancing at the clubs for six straight hours and dragging your tired-assed bachelor home over your shoulders in a drunken fireman’s carry. Let me tell you, after about a mile of that, you’re going to be wishing you had a ride.
Also, not many people know this, but all of the town’s strip joints are not even close to the casinos. They are found way off the main drag, in the outlying areas where they can do no harm to the “wholesome sensibilities” of the community. For that reason alone, a limo or charter van becomes an absolute necessity.
Seriously, who wants to ask someone to draw the short straw and be a designated driver for a bachelor party in Vegas? That’s like asking Oprah Winfrey to let go of a bacon, lettuce, and pork chop sandwich. I ain’t gonna the one to do it, let me tell you. You’ll pull back a stump, boy.
Once again, this is where a VIP host like Club Viva Las Vegas is absolutely essential. Mason says, “We offer various vehicles from simple shuttle buses through limousines to full scale party buses.” And it’s all included in the price of their club packages.
So, basically…entertainment, coordination, privileged access to clubs, and transportation? I’m scratching my head trying to figure out why anybody would go any other way.
To Do List – So, now that we know that there is an orgy of things to do while your bachelor party is in Vegas, I thought it might be a good idea to give you guys a couple of things to do that parties very rarely think of. They’re a little off the beaten path, but when it comes to the fun to value ratio, you just can’t beat them.
The Day Pools – Imagine sitting out by the pool and watching amazingly hot girls sunbathe topless in the Nevada sun… Pretty sweet, right? But this is Vegas! You don’t have to just imagine it! Many of the big hotels have started to incorporate topless clubs into their swimming pools. Some of them include: Bare at the Mirage, Venus at Ceasar’s Palace, and Tao Beach at the Venetian (on Monday-Thursday). They are free for the girls, but guys usually have to pay an entrance fee. But – what a small price to pay for a ticket to heaven.
Go Full Auto – The Gun Store, a firearm retailer in Las Vegas, has a package where you and your crew can rent various fully automatic firearms and shoot them off at their range. It’s a great way for your groom to get out some of his aggression before he loses all ability to actually stand up for himself.
Hash House A Go-Go – This is the perfect place for a hearty bachelor party breakfast after an all night binge. Not only can you get some hair-of-the-dog, but they also have pancakes the size of your head. I lucked into finding this place when I stumbled upon a review for the one they have in San Diego. Imagine my delight when I heard they had one in Vegas. If you have a thing for food porn, I recommend taking a looking at their site.
Skydive…INDOORS – I know, it sounds crazy but what if I told you that you could experience the wonder of freefall, without ever getting into an airplane? Well, that’s what you can do at the aptly named Vegas Indoor Skydiving. You can make reservations for your group and even get a coupon online.
This Means War! – Two sides battling to the death. Cries of both victory and defeat ring out as opposing forces clash together in a mortal crusade to bring each other down to whimpering, bloodstained knees. No, I’m not talking about what it’s like to have an argument with your wife… I’m talking Las Vegas Premier Paintball! Give your groom a taste of the battlefield before he experiences it for real!
Last But Not Least - While I was talking to Steve, I asked him a question… If he was throwing a bachelor party for a close friend of his, what would be the one single thing he would not want to have his groom do in at his bachelor party in Las Vegas. I was a bit surprised by his answer.
Half expecting him to warn about the perils of falling prey to the various tourist traps around town – or narrowly avoiding botulism at an all-you-can-eat 99¢ seafood buffet, he instead came up with this little gem: he would not want to “have (the groom’s) wife-to-be also have her bachelorette party in Vegas at the same time. It creates unnecessary drama just about every time.”
Yeah… Isn’t it just like a wife-to-be to ruin it all? A bachelor party. A trip to Vegas with your best buds…