Listen up, men. I’ve got a very important mission for you and I’m not going to lie… It will try the level of your courage and put your very moral fiber to the test. Believe me – there have been stronger men who have met this challenge head-on and have never been seen or heard from again.
You may be asking yourself, “What could it possibly be? Could it be a suicidal search-and-destroy mission deep into the heart of darkness? Or, maybe a surreptitious skydive behind enemy lines under the veil of the night?”
No, not quite. What I ask of you, I’m afraid, will be much, much more dangerous. It is a task that will bring you neither glory nor acclaim. Should you survive, you will always carry within you its crooked and ugly scar upon your twisted and damaged psyche. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is this–
You need to go to some strip clubs.
I know, I know… Terrible, right? What kind of cruel and inhuman son of a bitch would send you off on a disgusting mission such as this, helpless and innocent, marching straight into the black, gaping maw of hell? Well, that son of a bitch would be me – and to which I say, in my best macho, James Cagney tone of voice, “Quit yer sniveling and be a man already.”
The strip club is generally considered to be the cornerstone of a wild and successful bachelor party. It symbolizes everything the doomed groom is about to leave behind – all in one concentrated, velvet-walled place. To leave such an important aspect of this special night up to chance would be an irresponsible and foolhardy choice for you to make. That is why it’s your duty as a bachelor party planner to partake in a reconnaissance mission of local strip clubs far ahead of time. That way, you can make sure that the place that you choose meets up to the expectations of everyone involved and nobody goes home disappointed.
Map It Out
Step one, gather together a good list of clubs in your area prior to visiting them. That way, you can determine which ones are nearer to the other venues you are visiting the night of the bachelor party. Maybe there is one closer to a restaurant you definitely want to go to. Or, maybe one is nearer to the groom’s house, making it easier to shuttle him home at the end of the night. Whatever the reason, clubs can be either considered or disregarded simply by checking on a map prior to taking a step inside of them.
Take Along A Friend And A Notebook
After you’ve narrowed down a list of clubs to visit, make sure you invite another member of the bridal party to come along with you. There are two reasons for this. First, I’ve found that the managers of strip clubs will take you much more seriously if you bring along another person. Otherwise, you just look like some sort of pervert who is trying to cop a look at some naked chicks for free. Also, it’s always good to have someone along who knows the bachelor and knows his tastes, as well. That way you can bounce the different pluses and minuses of the various clubs off of each other and reach a better consensus regarding which one is better suited for your needs.
Oh, and bring along a notebook, too. You’re going to hear a lot of details about a bunch of different clubs. You want to make sure that none of the information gets forgotten or slips through the cracks. Not to mention, it also makes you appear a lot more businesslike, too.
Ask For The Manager
I think this is relatively self-explanatory. You won’t get the same quality of information about the club from the trained monkey at the front door as you will from the person who’s actually in charge of the place. They are also much more well-equipped to negotiate any special deals for your party, as well as accommodate any requests you might want to make for your condemned friend. Also, by asking for the manager, you are announcing to them that you mean business and that this isn’t just a ruse to get in for free (see above).
Go During An “Off” Hour
You want the manager to spend adequate time making sure you get all the information you need and answering all your questions. The best-case scenario would be on a weekday, well before the sun goes down. The worst-case scenario would be the middle of a busy Saturday night. Try to avoid the latter if you can at all costs.
When you talk to the manager, make sure that you ask the following questions:• Do they have any special deals and/or discounts for large parties?
• Do they have a private room big enough for your group? If so, how much does it cost? (It usually breaks down to an hourly rate and sometimes includes free admission for everyone in the party.)
• Do they need a deposit?
• Do they allow alcohol? (Many clubs, while not allowing alcohol in the public areas of the club, will sometimes let you to bring your own booze inside – as long as it remains in your own private room/area.)
• How far in advance do you need to reserve the spot or put down a deposit for it? You will also need to call them back a few days prior to the date in order to give a solid head count.
• If they are reserving a space for a certain number of people, then make sure you find out whether or not there will be charge should anybody decide not to show up.
• Are there any special incentives for bringing your bachelor there? Do they do special shows for him? Will they pull him on stage and humiliate him? How about letting him jump into the pit for some one on one oil/mud/jell-o wrestling action? If you guys are going to bring twenty or thirty guys to their club, don’t be shy about asking for something special for your guest of honor.
• How much are the lap dances? You want to know this going in. That way, you’ll be able to tell the rest of the guests how much money they should bring in order to pay for the groom to get his groove on for a couple of songs.
Keep a close eye on the attitude of the manager. These guys should treat you like kings for the opportunity of bringing that much money into their place. If you don’t get that feeling, or if you get the impression that they think they’re doing you some kind of favor, RUN – don’t walk – for the door. Because, if they give you that limp dick feeling now, can imagine how much fun (or, lack thereof) their place will be on the night of the party?
Like any good spy, the more observant you are of your surroundings, the better. But don’t let the spectacle of naked, gyrating flesh distract you from your agenda. Keep it professional. And by all means, keep it in your pants. Here’s what you’re looking for in a good strip club for a bachelor party:
• Is it full-nude, topless – or neither? You have to know the comfort zone of the groom. While you may prefer to have what Steve Martin referred to as “The Golden Palace of the Himalayas” grinding two inches from your face, your guest of honor may not. You absolutely have to take his opinion into account. After all, the night’s about him, is it not? Speaking of which –
• What is the racial make-up of the strippers? This is a bit of a delicate subject matter, but ignore it at your own peril. Let’s be pragmatic… There are definitely different strokes for different folks – and your bachelor will usually have his preference of what kind of stroke turns him on. If he likes a little bit of hot chocolate with his shimmy shake, who are you to judge? You certainly don’t want to take him to a club in the middle of Chinatown – do you? Of course not! You want to take him somewhere he’s going to really enjoy himself. So, be aware of this fact and make sure that he is well taken care of in this department. At the very least, make sure that there is a good cross-section of nationalities represented.
• What is the general quality of the strippers? I’ll never forget when I went to a friend’s bachelor party at an old topless bar. It was within walking distance from his work and going there seemed like a good enough idea at the time. Upon sitting down on the dance floor, we all suddenly discovered that each and every stripper had – and I’m not lying here – at least one tooth missing. It was horrifying and definitely cast a pall on the entire event. The memory of these dentally challenged visions of silicone – these jack-o-lanterns in a g-string – still haunts me to this day. So, while you shouldn’t focus too much attention on looking at the girls on your mission, at least sneak a glance and make sure that no one will want to run away screaming at the sight of them.
• Are the dancers acting like they’re having fun? Who wants to go to a strip club where the girls’ excitement level looks like it’s hovering somewhere between “doing their taxes” and “standing in the line at the DMV?” Look, between you and me, let’s be honest… We’re not naïve enough to actually believe these girls are not acting. But, if you’re going to be spending that much money, the act should at least be convincing, right?
• How long are the lapdances? These strip club owners are crafty ones when it comes to making more money. One of the easiest ways to boost their revenue is to increase the number of lap dances they can cram into one evening. How do they do this? They do it by shortening the songs. So, while you are there, take a watch and actually see how long each one lasts for each club. The longer the songs, the more dance you get for your money.
Well, there you go, men. You’ve got your marching orders. The very success or failure of your groom’s bachelor party depends on you. Now get out there and do a service for your God and country.
It’s a thankless job, but somebody’s got to do it.