Every lame bachelor party website out there has some stupid scavenger hunt/to-do list that will (somehow) magically take any boring night and turn it into Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras. But, when you look at these scavenger hunts a little closer, they all read like a pathetic list of bland ingredients torn from Rachel Ray’s book of “30-minute Bachelor Party Clichés!” Here are just some of the “Wild” (their description, not mine) examples from one of my arch nemeses’ sites:
* Dance by yourself on the dance floor.
* Get a lap dance from an exotic dancer or a girl at a bar. (Doomed Groom note: “Duh.”)
* Get a tampon from a girl.
Get a tampon from a girl? Seriously? Is this really what you want passing for “fun” at your bachelor party? What’s next? Do a peppermint schnapps shot out of a Summer’s Eve douche bag? Jeez-us Kee-rist. I’d be horrified if I wasn’t so bored to tears.
Instead, I’ve put together a scavenger hunt that is one part drinking game – and one part ritualistic passage from single-life into full-blown marital bliss/misery. I have conceived a list of tasks that both encapsulates the life The Doomed Groom is about to leave behind, but also prepare him for the “blessings” of marriage that await him.
But first, a few tips —
Integrate It Into The Night
One of the biggest mistakes that bachelor party planners make when including a scavenger hunt in the night’s festivities is trying to do it all at once. They go right down the list of things and do them — one…after…the…other. Big huge mistake. This stops the night’s forward momentum dead in its tracks, resulting in a bunch of guys standing around, rolling their eyes and looking at their watch – wondering when they can finally get on their way to the strip joint.
The best bet is to try and integrate the tasks into the context of the night – all in tiny little bite-sized pieces. Having the hunt spaced out over the evening, with a couple of tasks to do at each location your party visits, is infinitely better. It also allows you to do certain tasks that are specific to the place your guys are at (i.e.: eating tasks are done at the restaurant, drinking tasks are done at a bar, etc.), rather than trying to shoehorn them into wherever you guys are at that moment.
Get The Booze Flowing
If you’re going to have a scavenger hunt at all, you might as well make it into a drinking game for the groom-to-be. For every task, there should be either a punishment/reward for failing/accomplishing it. This is another reason to have the hunt more spaced out over the course of the night. That way, he’s not pounding down too many shots all at once.
Also, if you do choose to incorporate a drinking game – make sure that someone acts as the scorekeeper. There will be a lot of plus and minus shots flying around, so make sure that you got somebody keeping track.
Avoid Being Mean Spirited
When you take a look at The Doomed Groom Bachelor Party Scavenger Hunt I’ve included below, you’ll see that some of the tasks are a little – well, I guess you could call them – caustic. Now, that tone should be fine, as long as it doesn’t get too far out of hand. They should symbolically remind The Doomed Groom of the bridge to the life of freedom that he’s leaving in smoldering ashes and cinders behind. But, listen closely – at no point should it be uncomfortable for him.
If it looks like it crosses the line from “having fun at his expense” to “making fun at his expense” – it’s time to stop immediately. It’s supposed to be as much fun for him as it is for you. Remember what the “Y” in The B.O.D.Y. B.A.G. Method stands for? You must Yield to the groom. That means his wants and desires are your only concerns. He is the king of the night.
As with anything you do at the bachelor party, your ultimate goal is to make a glowing memory that will act as his “happy place” when his wife inevitably starts screeching and wailing about him not caring about her needs, blah, blah, blah…or some crap like that.
“THE DOOMED GROOM” ULTIMATE BACHELOR PARTY SCAVENGER HUNT
• Have each married guest tell the groom what he misses the most about being single. The best man picks the most miserable son-of-a-bitch and they must do a shot with the groom to get the night started.
• The bachelor must take a body shot off of someone of the opposite sex. If they can’t find anyone who will do it… They have to take two shots off someone of the same sex.
• Find members of the opposite sex who have names where the first letter spells out the name of the bride (as an example, if her name was Pam – Paula, Ann, and Margaret). Get a kiss from each girl. For each one he gets on the lips, he gets a free pass -1 shot he can use at any time during the night. For a French kiss, he gets -2.
(This section assumes that you are at some sort of bar or tavern to start the night. If not, assign these throughout the night, wherever it’s the most appropriate.)
Limo/Drive To Dinner *
• Bachelor takes a shot for every car seen that has a man and woman arguing.
• Bachelor takes a shot for every car seen that has a woman driving while talking on a cell phone without a hands-free device.
• Bachelor takes a shot for every woman driver breaking some sort of a traffic law.
• Everyone (except the designated driver, if not in a limo) takes a shot for every street you cross where its name starts with the same letter as the first name of the bride.
• Have the groom empty his wallet of any money. Tell him that this is to prepare him for what having a wife will be like. (Editors note: This also ensures that the bachelor will not spend any of his own money. Tell him that it will be returned at the end of the night — as long as he accomplishes all of these tasks.)
• Check the wallet for pictures of his future bride. Take a shot for every picture of her. Take two shots for every picture of a girl who is not his wife (or a relative – let’s not be too trailer park, here.) If there aren’t any – take three.
• Have your bachelor order his favorite “manly” appetizer (i.e.: buffalo wings, potato skins, etc.). Give him two minutes to eat as many as he can. As he gorges on them, tell him how this symbolizes what it will be like to sneak these types of foods from his future wife, who will be more worried about his cholesterol than for his happiness. For every piece left, he must do one shot.
• Get a kiss/hug from the cutest waitress. If it’s a hug, -1 shot for the night. If it’s a kiss on the cheek, -2 shots. If it’s on the lips, -3 shots. If denied, take one shot just for being hopeless.
Limo/Drive To Strip Club* Limo/Drive To Strip Club *
• Bachelor takes a shot for every woman driver seen that’s been pulled over by a cop.
• Bachelor takes a shot for every woman driver that is driving the same make and color of car as the bride’s.
• Bachelor takes a shot for every woman driver in a stalled car on the side of the road.
• Everyone (except the designated driver, if not in a limo) takes a shot for every street you cross where its name starts with the same letter as the bride’s future last name. (Hint: It’s probably the groom’s, but not always.)
• The bachelor’s job is to get a thong collection from the girls. Start off by giving him $50. He can do it either by begging, negotiation, or outright purchase – but he can’t go over the $50. Take score before you leave. If he gets 10-15 (or more), he gets -1 shot. If he gets 6-10, he gets a free pass. If he only gets 1-5, he takes 1 shot. As a bonus – if she takes it off right in front of him, the bachelor gets -1 shots for each one.
• Have the bachelor ask three of the dancers to show him the best reason for not getting married. For each one that involves some sort of physical contact, -1 shot.
• Have the bachelor find a stripper that is actually a sports fan. If he finds one, -1 shot. If she can name all the schools in the Pac 10, he gets -2 shots.
Limo/Drive To The Night Club*
• Bachelor takes a shot for every guest who can’t touch their nose with their eyes closed.
• Bachelor takes a shot for each guy who has been with his significant other for more than five years.
• Out of those same guys, bachelor gets -1 shot for each guy who was told by his significant other not to get a lap dance that night – but did anyway.
• If the bachelor had less than 10 lap dances, everyone does +2 shots.
• Look for a bachelorette party and get a flash from the bride-to-be. If it’s butt, he gets -1 shot. If it’s her boobs, he gets -2 shots. And if it’s her… Well, you know… He gets -3 shots, and a hearty pat on the back.
• Have the bachelor take a panty color survey from as many of the girls in the bar/nightclub as possible. (It’s fun if you can actually get them to prove it). Find out which color is most represented – then take a shot that is that color.
• Have your groom get a phone number from the hottest girl in the club. If he’s denied, he takes a shot and tries with the next hottest. Repeat until successful — or passed out.
• Once the groom gets the number, ritually burn it in front of him in order to symbolize the good life he will never be able to experience again. Point and mock accordingly.
Click below for a downloadable PDF of “The Doomed Groom” – Bachelor Party Scavenger Hunt.
(* Important Legal Note: These portions assume that you have hired a limo for the night. If you are not in a limo, you will clearly not be able to do the shots until you get to your destination. Just add them up and do them at the next location. And not to belabor the obvious, the designated driver should not do any at all.)